I really wanted to share in some clear concise manner how I've come to this place in my life of enjoying the moment I'm in and being so thankful for it .... To find some "magical" words that would bestow the wisdom of the ages, that would part the clouds revealing beautiful rays of sunshine that contain the ever elusive "secret to happiness". Then I woke up!
I've never really shared my full "story" with anyone, so it's a wee bit scary……
I've walked the road of unhappy, the path of bitterness, the trail of loneliness and the streets of unsettledness. I've also made life decisions while on those journeys and those decisions left me feeling even more empty when they were supposed to "fix" it. However, there really was a revelation that allowed me to get off those winding roads. So as the story goes.... I was one. hot. mess! a few years back. On the surface everything looked relatively ok, unless you count the fact I was divorced 3 times by the age of 35, drank WAY more than was socially acceptable and made really awesome decisions while intoxicated. Yes, I still have a few drinks and thankfully I can now exert power over that demon because I am no longer "looking for answers in the bottom of beer bottles". That is something my mom would say to me "Tammy there aren't any answers in the bottoms of those beer bottles." As is the way with mamas, she was right.
I need to give you a little "back story". When I was a child my mom took me to church, I knew Jesus, I didn't understand the whole thing but I had been raised knowing God. We didn't go to church regularly or as a family, but my parents raised us to know there was something bigger than us and my parents ALWAYS showed us the importance of giving back thru their actions. When I was in high school I started going back to church. I have to admit, while I am bearing my soul here that it was from what I remember of it a social event for me more than anything. While it probably kept me from acting stupid earlier in life, I don't remember it being a TRUE spiritual experience because I just didn't "get it."
Fast forward; I'm approaching 40, I'm doing a much better job at keeping my mom priorities straight over my work priorities (there was a time in all my madness, nothing much mattered but climbing to the next rung on the corporate ladder) and I'm only acting like an idiot on the days my kiddo is with his dad. I'm making progress, right? It was progress, and again on the surface, it looked picturesque. Great job, nice house, good car, successful, all the things you think you are working for…,BUT - I still felt completely unsettled on the inside, I still felt "there HAS to be MORE than this" and I just wasn't "happy."
I've never really shared my full "story" with anyone, so it's a wee bit scary……
I've walked the road of unhappy, the path of bitterness, the trail of loneliness and the streets of unsettledness. I've also made life decisions while on those journeys and those decisions left me feeling even more empty when they were supposed to "fix" it. However, there really was a revelation that allowed me to get off those winding roads. So as the story goes.... I was one. hot. mess! a few years back. On the surface everything looked relatively ok, unless you count the fact I was divorced 3 times by the age of 35, drank WAY more than was socially acceptable and made really awesome decisions while intoxicated. Yes, I still have a few drinks and thankfully I can now exert power over that demon because I am no longer "looking for answers in the bottom of beer bottles". That is something my mom would say to me "Tammy there aren't any answers in the bottoms of those beer bottles." As is the way with mamas, she was right.
Fast forward; I'm approaching 40, I'm doing a much better job at keeping my mom priorities straight over my work priorities (there was a time in all my madness, nothing much mattered but climbing to the next rung on the corporate ladder) and I'm only acting like an idiot on the days my kiddo is with his dad. I'm making progress, right? It was progress, and again on the surface, it looked picturesque. Great job, nice house, good car, successful, all the things you think you are working for…,BUT - I still felt completely unsettled on the inside, I still felt "there HAS to be MORE than this" and I just wasn't "happy."
In my quest to fill this "void" (when I wasn't looking for all those "answers in beer bottles) I took up running... it was short lived... I'm not a runner, as a matter of fact if you ever see me running, you should start running too because someone is most likely chasing me. LOL! I saw that little funny somewhere and thought it was hysterical, though I cannot remember where I saw it to give appropriate applause…,probably Facebook…isn't everything on Facebook?
Any way, I'm running on the trail, I have my ear buds in and I'm just jammin' out, the next track loads and starts to play, cool groove but it isn't a song I know..... I listen.... Whitesnake? I listen.... I stop running.... I listen..... and in my head I hear "I've been right here". I look around, there is not another person I can see anywhere. I'm perplexed, I suddenly have tears and I'm really NOT sure what is going on but I can hear the words to this song like every word is piercing my soul. It was the strangest experience I have ever had, and no I do not know how it got on my iPod. Downloaded in error maybe, I still don't know for sure....I know it sounds INSANE! But God kind of works like that I think. Here is the song, I do so so hope you will take the 4 minutes to listen before I wrap this post. If you'd prefer just read the lyrics, they can be found HERE.
I still listen to this song frequently; If I get frustrated, or sad, or a pity party is beginning to commence, or if I just need to remember. The short ending to this is… I did NOT go immediately back to church. I honestly don't know how long it was before I returned. When I did finally step back into the church I had gone to in my teenage years, I did not make it thru even 15 minutes of service before I had to leave in tears because all that garbage that I had been carrying around came flooding out. I think I cried more in those 7 days between my first Sunday back and the next Sunday than I had cried in my entire lifetime. I just kept praying. Well, more like pouring out my soul in an erratic fashion. I have no idea how to really pray, it isn't like there's a class for it, well maybe there is but I haven't taken it. I just talk to Jesus just like I'm talking to you.
I just see things in the world very differently walking the road of faith which I think is what gives me such peace. There are still days I struggle with forgiving myself because no matter how strong my faith may be I don't get time back and I cannot take back some of the things I've done. BUT I can choose to learn from them and do it better! Today, I'm such a better mom, I'm a wife again and I actually understand what being a wife means, and I have the honor of being a step mom too! We all the same issues as most anyone raising two teenagers in a blended family.
There are three very distinct things I have come to believe are true on my journey and maybe you will find them truths for you too:
1. God allows you to repeat the same struggle over and over until you learn the lesson. I am HARD HEADED! It takes me a while to "get it" so now if something seems to keep coming up or is bothering me, I always pray, "Please show me what I am supposed to learn" It helps.
2. God's ways are bigger than our ways - I just TRUST and have complete FAITH that whatever happens that God will make a way. I honestly do not worry, well, I'm a mom, so I obviously worry, but I mean really, really fret over things. I do my part, and I leave the God parts to God.
3. In order to "hear" God you have to BE QUIET and LISTEN -- This one took me a while, I'm a talker! No duh, right? I really enjoyed and learned a TON about recognizing when God is speaking from Priscilla Shirer's book Discerning the Voice of God.
So that's it, I am a God girl! and it's changed my life. Of course, I am still a sinner! I do NOT get it right a lot, I still have a few cocktails now and again, an expletive still passes my lips, I can still be down right hateful if pushed, I am human, but it's just different now…I'm pretty much way ok with being perfectly imperfect! It's enough for me to know that Jesus is my compass, that I am forgiven by His grace and He is the road that will always bring me home.
Peace, Love and Sunshine!!!
XOXO
-Tammy
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